


all that I am (all that I ever was)

by Yotsubadancesintherain5



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Romance, Deconstruction, F/F, Not Rebellion Story Compliant, One Shot, Soulmate-Identifying Marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2019-08-31
Packaged: 2020-10-04 05:08:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20465516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yotsubadancesintherain5/pseuds/Yotsubadancesintherain5
Summary: The marks embedded in their skin never matched.





	all that I am (all that I ever was)

Love was found in the matching marks of skin. Homura’s parents would show her their soulmarks, a pair of canaries just underneath their cheeks. It wasn’t like Homura’s own, a weeping willow that was at the base of her wrist.

When she was a little girl and aware of it she presented the soulmark to her parents, like it was something they had never seen before. Her enthusiasm was met with mild disinterest.

“It may be a little harder for you to find your soulmate,” her father had said.

“Find them fast,” her mother had added. “You’ll only be truly happy with your soulmate.”

Like a director’s cue her parents had smiled at each other. There was dullness in their eyes.

The words stuck, and from that moment on Homura began looking at the sleeves of other children. If the branches of a weeping willow would peek out from a cuff, be revealed from a rolled-up sleeve, and she would look at other soulmarks with curiosity.

It was a vow then, something she told herself she wanted, that she would find that soulmate and find true happiness.

Happiness at home had that dullness loom over, scuffs along the edges, and Homura didn’t notice until she was seven and found her father’s wedding ring in the sink. It was held in place by the plug and the base of the sink. 

She saved it from falling into the drain and the next time she saw it the ring was back on her father’s finger. He regarded it with open, festering disdain after that. Homura pretended not to see.

She got good at that; and it wasn’t until she was ten, the year before her heart problems began, that she looked at a scrap of truth.

Homura found a folded paper on the floor when she returned from school one day, and opened it up; the middle was frayed. It was a picture of her mother, younger, at a party with another man. He had a soulmark that looked like a flame on his chin.

But what struck Homura more was the brightness in her mother’s eyes and the carefree smile on her face. She folded it and placed it in her mother’s nightstand.

Soon her mind jostled out the search of her soulmate in favor of heart pains and surgeries and weakness.

When it was over Homura was to start a new school year. It was at that time that her parents were almost never home and loneliness wormed its way into the dullness and scuffed edges.

Homura no longer had the luxury to walk freely and look for a matching soulmark. True happiness seemed unattainable.

But she shook the doubt away, held the words close and pretended that they didn’t feel like water congealing in her chest.

-

In her first day at the new school, before and after, Homura faced so many terrifying things. But at the end of the day hope emerged and their names were Madoka and Mami.

Mami invited Homura to come with them to her home, and Homura found warmth in a home. Mami’s conversation about what Witches were and how Kyubey would grant any such wish was captivating but Homura found herself turning her head to Madoka more often.

Over the course of the month she learned bits and pieces of Madoka’s life. Her parents that didn’t have matching soulmarks but lived easily together in their own rhythm. She used her wish to save a cat. She wondered if her baby brother would ever play an instrument, and that a piano was a wonderful choice.

Her soulmark was a daffodil on the back of her left hand. Homura swallowed down her disappointment.

And the world was thrown into chaos when Walpurgisnacht appeared. Two people that Homura cared about died that day.

She made her wish and the cycle began.

-

Beginning from then Homura would get herself situated in the renewed world and steal a glance to see what sort of soulmark Madoka received. There was a crescent moon on her bicep, then a cluster of stars on her right palm, then a raincloud, and more often than not there were flowers on her skin. It hadn’t matched and everything would eventually bleed together in grief and death.

For the most part it was the same. And in time the most aggravating was that Sayaka’s wish nearly never deviated from healing Kyousuke’s hand. Their soulmarks were never the same, and still that sacrifice for his affections happened so many times.

“If he doesn’t love you now he won’t love you if you match,” Homura thought bitterly one cycle, “Stop trying to make a claim on him.”

It continued and continued and continued until one cycle Homura witnessed Sayaka break with tears of hopelessness; that her happiness was stolen from her and she would never get it back.

All of her happiness was put into one box and dashed to pieces.

In the next cycle Homura stayed in the hospital bed longer than usual. For the first time she regarded this soulmark on her skin with derision, and thought of wedding rings and crumpled photos.

For the first time in a long time she felt a connection to Sayaka. She grew up hearing those words, too, and the world was vast and frightening. With their added burden of fighting Witches, expected to never fall into despair, and the promise of true happiness with only one person was another shackle to the chain.

Homura’s mother’s cloying words, “You’ll only be truly happy with your soulmate,” it just felt like drowning. They were thrown into the murky sea.

With a start she realized that instead of speaking with Madoka, now, she only looked for that matching mark. What she knew of Madoka had become faded, and with that Homura had been doing the same thing. It was like she was forcing a canary into a cage.

Hollowness settled into her chest and she only patched it up by making a new vow. She would stop looking.

It reinvigorated her to reach out to the others again. She reached out a hand in friendship. She spoke vaguely of losing people she loved and it opened the doors to them.

Homura learned of Kyoko’s favorite places to haunt, and her stories of a happier childhood. Homura listened when Mami spoke of her father’s old family recipes that used to cook to perfection and her mother’s way of gliding a paintbrush over a pristine blank paper. Homura heard Sayaka tell her stories of miraculous homeruns and beautiful concerts that didn’t have violins.

Madoka said that she would never forget Homura and it left happiness with a dash of pain.

And in time when the world was under the wrath of Walpurgisnacht and Homura found herself alone on the battlefield again Madoka made her wish that would finally change the course of time.

-

With that wish the world was consumed by darkness, and in the next instant light engulfed the world and made it anew. Madoka was never going to be there again and it terrified Homura beyond human words.

Homura was adrift in a mythical place. But Madoka appeared, gentle words fell from her mouth, Homura was embraced and she let herself feel safe. It felt for a long while before Homura drew back to look at Madoka.

All of the marks that Homura had seen were decorated along the goddess’s arms. Homura’s gaze went to them; the rain cloud, numerous flowers along her skin that never matched with Homura’s own, the moon peeking out from her left sleeve. Homura wondered how many more marks were under her gloves.

Madoka followed her gaze and gave them a sad, fond smile.

“You’ve carried this burden for a long while,” she said, and was the first time in an agonizingly long time that Homura had any sort of understanding and she didn’t trust herself to speak.

“The first of me,” Madoka said, “She wanted to love you, but you know the words we have been told since birth. All of us, all of the other girls, we were afraid.”

There was so much to fear. There were so many burdens to carry. It was a precarious balance, but here Homura felt she could throw them off and watch them shatter without any remorse.

“I don’t want that, anymore,” she replied.

With that it was like a bridge had been built; she’d pulled herself onto her own path and made it real. Madoka closed her eyes, a hint of nostalgia to her smile, before she spoke.

“The first of me, the second of me, the third, all of them down the line wanted something else; to be your ally, to love you as a friend, to love you as a girlfriend. And I want to give you all of that love.”

Homura’s heart skipped a beat, painful, Madoka knew everything. But all Homura knew was a cobbled, wisp of information.

(_Piano, mama likes a drink with nutmeg and gin, swirls of doodles on a spiral notebook, I wore the red ribbons, no matter what I won’t forget you_)

“I love you,” Homura said, “But I want to know you, too.”

Madoka’s smile was enough to make tears blur Homura’s vision.

“You will, in time,” Madoka said, “Take my love with you and live.”

A part of Homura wanted to protest but the trust in Madoka made her nod her head. Madoka kissed her forehead.

“Take care of them,” Madoka whispered, “And yourself.”

Like the edges of a comforting dream were being burned away Madoka left the physical world. Homura fell to the Earth.

-

In the next life, her final life, Homura pulled Sayaka back from the bloodthirsty Wraiths and Sayaka lived that day. Homura finally got a life preserver and there was enough room for the both of them. Sayaka found that though her soul wasn’t intertwined with Kyousuke’s soul, her newfound friends were there to learn about her and love her.

For a life like this, peace was within grasp. Homura vowed to work for it until the end of her days.

The mark at the base of Homura’s wrist, the ever present weeping willow whose branches wept along her veins, was forever covered up by her sleeves and she ceased looking at other peoples’ wrists.

The one she loved was waiting for her.

**Author's Note:**

> Soulmate AU tropes are interesting and fun to work with; doing a deconstruction is fun, too. Like building up a Jenga tower and intentionally pulling out a wobbly piece.
> 
> Homura's parents are next to none existent but the ones here aren't how I think of them in canon. The same with Homura's heart problems. Just if anyone was curious. 
> 
> Title taken from Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars," and I think that verse fits very well with Homura's progression as a character.


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